I’ve had depressive episodes, on and off, for most of my life.
I know, right?
A Law of Attraction coach with depressive tendencies?
But it goes a long way to explaining why the part of the LOA industry which is relentlessly rainbows and unicorns and puppies and ‘just get happy now’ kinda leaves me cold.
Don’t get me wrong, I am delighted that there are people for whom instant pivoting to happiness has always been easy.
They exist, in their thousands, and there is nothing weird about them.
Some of my best friends are natural optimists. And that rocks!
(I used not to feel this way, for the record. I’m not proud of it, but there was a time when I had some deep and bitter resentment for those folks who could do ‘happy’ on a dime. If you’re one of ’em, thank you for your patience and your willingness to stay happy despite my being annoyed at you heheh.)
But let me come completely clean on this.
With a swearing alert for the faint-hearted.
Finding the better-feeling thought and being deliberate about managing my vibration has been HARD FUCKING WORK.
Some days, it still is.
Not as hard, and not so often. But sometimes. And perhaps for the rest of my life.
And that’s okay because I have decided it is.
A little while ago, I was bubbling along and feeling great about my new abundance program.
I was in love with all the fabulous people who’d signed up, and the incredibly generous people who’d donated scholarship spots and the amazing humans who’d reached out with such courage to ask for those scholarship spots.
And then I hit a wall. The black dog arrived, seemingly out of nowhere.
It took a day to remember that even when I’m feeling down I am okay.
It took another day to flow compassion towards myself for not having done all the admin stuff I meant to do. And to remember that it’s just as well – because any work I did with that vibe at play would not have been useful.
I dug into my resources and did the work necessary to find my feet again, and that took another day.
It looks and feels like pulling teeth.
From the outside it seems easy.
I rehearse my choir pieces. I water my plants. I burn a candle and do a meditation. I script a little. I drink tea and write in my journal. I do energy work to cleanse and nurture my body.
When I’m in that space of darkness, some of that stuff seems impossibly hard.
I do it anyway.
The singing and the garden come first, because I know they are doorways back to the light for me. Actively nurturing plants is my action-based connection to nature, more potent for me than simply walking in the park. Rehearsing choir pieces requires focus on breathing, vocal warmups, extending my range, learning a score, fine-tuning one single line at a time so I can rely on muscle memory during performance.
These all take me out of the ruminant loops of harsh self-talk and misery that I’ve been caught in. They make me feel just a tiny bit better, and they flood my brain with different and healthier neurochemicals.
They make it possible for me to face the candle and the page.
It’s taken me a long time to recognise the power of this pathway back to joy for myself. I used to know bits of it – I knew how to find relief, for example, and how to engage pleasure, but I didn’t have this clear strategy that can make the difference so quickly. It took work to discover it for myself.
Now, I’m not sharing this to evoke sympathy or to impress you with my mastery or to teach you how to handle depression yourself.
Far from it!
I’m sharing this because sometimes there’s a myth out there, that using LOA to consciously create the life you want is some kind of easy pass in life and it requires happiness 24/7
That’s not true for me.
If someone is saying you have to be happy 24/7 and you feel bad because can’t get there, it’s not you – it’s them! Conscious creation doesn’t work like that.
And even though some days it’s hard, I do it anyway, because it is still the most potent and life-changing way to live that I know.
When I look at my life now, and my overall levels of joy and contentment, I know this has all been made possible because I took the path of owning my vibration, my thoughts, my mindset and my beliefs.
I still have the genetic predisposition to depression.
But I am triggered far less often. And when I am triggered, the episode is way easier to handle, and is over sooner.
More importantly, when I am triggered and I begin doing the work, hard as it might be, good stuff still happens.
I don’t break the conscious creation system by ‘failing’ to be happy.
Because I do the work.
Again and again.
Is it easier now than it was? Absolutely. I’ve had episodes many years ago that I’m frankly lucky to have survived. These days my episodes are mild by comparison, and don’t last as long. I am safe.
But I’m reminded each time that – as I tell my clients – when we do this stuff, we are the only ones who can do the work for ourselves.
I am prepared to take the credit for doing that work, to get to this stage. And I know how hard it can be to believe that the light is even possible when the dog has you by the throat.
I get it. Truly, I do.
There is work to do, and some days – not every day, but some days – it is really, really fucking hard.
And I know to my bones that it is absolutely one hundred percent worth it.
In case you wondered.